Childhood grief

I work with women who have known pain.  Mostly, it's not the pain of today that has them struggling, it is the pain of yesterday.  Many times what holds us back from really thriving in the now is unprocessed grief in our past.  Grief for a child is any loss!  Be it a friend who moved away, a pet that died or even a doll that was crushed by a bullying neighbor.

The ones that continue to bite though, are the ones children are left to process on their own.  That usually means that Mom and Dad are grieving too and because of the tremendous pain the adults are in, their children's pain goes unnoticed and unresolved.  Wake up parents, your children need you to be the adult and notice that you aren't the only one in the room who is hurting!

Often when children process grief on their own they instill in themselves a sense of shame.  When parents are hurting, their children feel powerless to fix it and their whole world feels insecure.  Many of my ladies internalized as children that "it" was their fault.  And from then on their lives are shaped by the shame produced by that belief.

Our children need us to step out of ourselves long enough to help them know the truth about their situation.  Tell them it is not their fault.  Tell them the truth!  Warn them if someone is sick and dying.  Bring them along into the process.  Now is the time to teach your children how to grieve.  By the time they are old enough to understand, the damage might already be done.  Give them a window into your pain, and a rope out of it for both of you.

Children are resilient.  I believe they are a gift sent to give us perspective when things are crushing.  They can light the path out of our own grief, if we will but open our hearts.

The Remnant

I am deeply grieving a different loss today.  I vicariously lost a ministry today as two of my dear friends chose to retire.  It is not that they are too old to work.  It is more that the powers that be were too powerful... and God was kicked to the curb... again.  Oh my!  Did I say that?

I wonder when we will realize that we don't have time for this?  Jesus is coming quickly and He will be looking for his lovers!  Blessed are the meek, Blessed are the poor in spirit, Blessed are those who choose to mourn.  There are many lovers of Jesus who are spinning out of the center because the center has lost sight of their first love.  Keep an eye on the spinning ones.  They are the remnant.  It would do us all good to sit at their feet and listen.

Book Signing

Check out my finished book "Granny Grace" It has been released and now the task is to get the word out.  I don't think people who write books are meant to sell them.  It is an awkward feeling to say the least sitting in a chair waiting for people to notice you.  Or harder still finding ways to engage strangers in a conversation that is related to your topic.  Because the purpose of Granny Grace is to help families learn to grieve well, it is not the usual lighthearted banter you would expect. I was encouraged by a blog I read just before my first book signing.  It was entitled, "How to have a successful book signing" In it MaryJanice Davidson defines successful as "you show up, your books are there, you have a place to sit, and you sell just one book" By that definition my book signings were successful!  I was also encouraged by the throngs of people who keep telling me that a book on this topic is very important.  I had people I never met thank me almost in tears for writing it... wow, maybe there is a reason authors are encouraged to sell their own books. :)

It's done, It's done!

My Book is finally done.  I have a release date of January 17th in the mean time you can find my book here. Check it out! http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-61346-733-6. It has been a long process but I am pleased with the result.

Because of my book, I have been doing more thinking and research on grief.  I am convinced that unprocessed grief is epidemic in our culture.  Too much much moves too fast and who has time for losses? Change good or bad is a loss of what we know. Right now if you start college courses to learn a trade related to computers the knowledge you learn your first year will be obsolete by the time you graduate.  That is just too dang fast!

But I keep looking back at the wisdom of Jesus who said, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4) That isn't Blessed are those who have losses but those who grieve their losses, those who take the time to process. 

I can't find the time to sit here and think some days and changes are coming WAY too fast. But I wonder about my quality of life when I don't take that time. I wonder how much anxiety and unprocessed grief are linked together. 

Rapid fire life makes me crazy! I'm anxious and scared when things are unfamiliar. But comfort relieves anxiety doesn't it?  Anxiety is easy for me. I can get wrapped around the axle sometimes.  But I truey am comforted when I take the time to process and pray.

it's almost finished!

I got the final layout for my book yesterday. It is almost finished. Now comes the scary part, letting someone see it and seeing if they will buy it. I'm really a wall flower in disguise. I don't like being"out there"and public. God give me strength!

Processing for life

Grieving surely must be a daily process and not only for someone who has lost a loved one. I am sitting here with the breeze outside mimicking the time passing. I have a friend whose son just left today. He walked across the threshold for the last time as a "member" of that household. He is off to make his own.

My friend's grief mingled with happiness strikes a cord in my heart as my last child set off with his new bride this past winter. That was a great day... and a sad one. Oh I am happy with his choice in every way. But the halls of my home are so quiet. I loved having children. They are such a blessing from the LORD. But it is a big process finding out who you are without them when the last one flies the coop.

I have many things to do. My husband and I are still very much enjoying each other. I know how that I am blessed to be able to say that. But I am at a quandary. What's next?

I think for today, next is grieving. Not because I am "sad" but because life has changed. And I must first grieve the change before I can find me in the ashes of what was.

The rampage of grief

As I am preparing to go "out there" with this book which becomes a reality in another month or two. I keep revisiting grief. What is it really? I think that grief is an expression of a loss of connection. We grieve when we feel the ripping apart of an attachment. I was going to say the greater the attachment the deeper the grief. But I'm not sure that is true. If we have a secure attachment then I'm not sure we lose that attachment even in death.

My husband has convinced me of a great truth. I am lovable. There is someone who delights in me. I can see that delight and understand that God can too. It has build in me a security that can not be lost through death. That secure attachment has made the thought of losing him less frightening. Losing him can't change the truth he has taught me. I am lovable.

I am very concerned overall about the damage being done to our children and by that our society because of lack of connection and attachment. Fewer and fewer children know that they are lovable. It takes time to impart that truth and we spend precious little of it with our children. Sometimes we spend lots of time but it's not time connecting. Watching ballet, soccer , or little league practice doesn't count. Yelling from the bleachers, "You can do it!" isn't the same as being eye to eye with your child where he can see your eyes mist up as you talk of his faults as well as his potential. I'm not talking of being critical of your children, I'm talking about being honest. Sometimes they can't do it, sometimes they don't even want to... and you won't know that unless you listen... really listen.

It is imperative for children to bond to another human being. Healthy attachment is vital for life, empathy and order. If a child isn't able to attach, he will not feel the pain he causes others. He will not care. Lack of attachment makes mass murders possible. There is no grief at all where there is no connection.

I think that the most difficult process of grief is in a fragile attachment. Where I am connected to someone that hasn't convinced me they love me. That's what makes divorce so incredibly painful. It breaks a connection without the buoy of confidence in being loved. Any form of betrayal breaks that confidence and perhaps with it our connection with the human race. I know that there are degrees of broken connection but I want to scream from the mountain tops. Wake up! Look at what we are doing to ourselves and to our children. In this context the violence we are seeing in ever increasing ugliness makes sense... it is a wake up call if we will heed it.