Watching the seasons pass

I am going to visit a friend today. She is wheelchair bound and grieving her loss of mobility. I love her and miss being able to take her out for tea. I was in a similar place once, sitting at the window and watching the seasons pass. Winter, Spring Summer... they all slipped by outside my window while I watched. It was a time when my world shrank to the size of my house, sometimes my bedroom. But as my world shrank, my God grew.

George MacDonald brings a period of illness into many of his stories. He connects illness with the emotional and spiritual condition of a person. I agree. Though I'm not sure if illness is caused by our spiritual condition or if it is an opportunity for a cure. I know this, I will never be the same as I was before my illness. I connected with God. I learned that being still is a requirement if I am to know Him (Psalms 46:10) His grace became real to me. I learned that Romans 8:1 is real. "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" I was set free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2). Before I lost my ability to be busy, these were all just words to me, I could not make them mine. There is so much to be learned by being still.

Lonliness

I like space. I need time to be alone and gather my thoughts. I don't know how to survive without quiet time. But there are days when loneliness creeps into my quiet. Today my family is all gone. Between lives of their own and business trips, it is quiet in the house... I don't have any real reason to get up, make breakfast or get things going.

My husband and I found out years ago that we had a choice either to become hardened when we were apart from each other or to stay soft and feel lonely. We chose to miss each other and feel the pain of the separation. That is sometimes a difficult choice. Today, I miss a house full of children and the sound of laughter... even the need to put food on the table. I miss the unity and identity of "family".

But loneliness is also a gift. I find myself reaching up to the LORD like I did when I first knew Him. He was then my only source of life. It is good to know that He still is.

Mist

It is the end of June in the North. The weather here has been cooler than what I would consider normal. It is cloudy and cool today and I am wondering what happened to summer. It has vanished into the mist. Mist is a wonderful gift to me. It's almost like snow. I like snow because it covers up everything that is cluttered looking and makes the whole world look settled and clean. Mist mutes and softens your view, it hovers around the trees and blurs colors. Today is one of those days. I want to kind of wrap myself up in the mist and see if it will mute the chaos and noise. Both inside and out

Car Trouble, Deadlines and Editing

I am sitting in at a car shop in the middle of nowhere. It's ok, I really need the down time. It is a chance to catch up on emails etc. In the process I found one from my editor. I have until Friday to review my manuscript and sign my acceptance papers so we can move to the next phase of production. Life often gets in the way of agendas. I'm trying to imagine myself going up the the repair shop window and asking if they could make some copies for me and send a fax... I'm not sure I have the nerve. And even if I did, I doubt there is a policy that allows for such things. Interruptions really test whether you actually have patience or are pretending to have patience. Today,I'm not so sure.

Taking the time

It's hard to find the time to think sometimes. Thinking takes time and doesn't at all look productive. Quiet time, reading scripture, resting, they are not the popular thing to do. I read a book by Tim Hansel once called "When I relax I feel guilty". That's a sad concept! What makes relaxing feel wrong? What makes being quiet so hard? In 1 Kings chapter 19 Elijah is standing on the mountain waiting to hear from the LORD. There is a wind, fire and an earthquake but the LORD in not there-- then he hears a "still small voice" and Elijah readies himself to listen. He recognizes the still small voice as the LORD. It is hard to hear that still small voice in the clamor. Perhaps that is why Elijah is sent to the mountains in the first place?

Light at the end of the tunnel

I wonder what it means in Hebrews 12:2 when it says “For the joy that is set before Him, He over came the cross.” It wonder if we can have the same view and whether that view would give us the power to overcome.

I often think of the story of Stephen being stoned to death. He was so caught up in the joy of heaven that I question whether he felt the blows at all. That picture gives me courage. Perhaps if my time comes to sacrifice my life for Christ, I will receive the same miraculous assistance.

It is my light at the end of the tunnel. No matter what assails me, there is an end and that end is good. No matter how dark it is in this tunnel there is a light at the end. The greatest light, hope and joy!

It's a Georgeous day!

The sun is shining, it's not too hot, not too cold--a perfect day. I wonder how many perfect days I have just missed. Sometimes I get so busy that I don't stop to notice what kind of sky God painted that day. Every sunrise is different. Every sunset is unique. Every wisp of cloud takes a shape that has never been before. That is amazing!

I think I will go to the park today and look up for a while. God, wake me up to your art. Give me eyes to see beyond just the beauty of the work. Help me look deeply into the heart of the artist.

Pain vrs Numb

Pain is confusing I know. In my country (USA), pain is not considered normal. It is a thing to eliminate at all cost. I do not agree. Pain is a purifier and a motivator. It changes you, humbles you, quiets you. Severe pain shrinks your world into perhaps just the room you are in or less.

I have lived through excruciating pain both physical and emotional. It doesn't frighten me like it used to. I choose pain over numb. Numb feels much more frightening to me now. Numb is what you feel when you are dying. Pain says you are alive. Pain always has a purpose but in the midst of it you have only two choices, to turn into your self, or turn towards the LORD.

Turning towards the LORD can mean screaming at Him. I have spent many a night shouting out my anger, disillusionment and fear. God listened, sometimes very quietly, but I was never chastised for my outbursts. I had more of a sense God wanted me to let it all out. Many times after my emotions were spent He drew near and offered comfort.

Quiet vrs Clamor

I live in a city. It's not a big city as cities go but my biggest complaint is the noise. Cars whizzing by so that a walk in the park is not peaceful. Peace and quiet used to go together. You know, "I am going to find some peace and quiet". Today I am longing for peace and quiet. I don't mind the kind of noise God makes. Like the babble of a river flowing by or the rustle of leaves blowing in the wind. Have you ever wondered why the noise we make is so irritating while the noise God makes is so soothing? I think it is the difference between music and clamor. Music has an underlying beat and message. Clamor is random noise. I wonder, is rustle of leaves, the crashing sounds of a waterfall and the chirping of birds truly music?

It used to be considered the height of rudeness to make the slightest noise during a symphony. It was rude even to cause your chair to squeak. Any interruption of the intricate, interwoven poetry of sound broke the mood. It seems more than rude to drown out God's symphony with horns blaring, heavy equipment clanging, airplanes roaring overhead. I feel smothered with it at times

I wonder if there is more of a purpose to God's music than we know. Music is vital when treating someone with brain trauma. It knits the brain back together. I feel like I need my brain knit back together every day.

Next phase!

I got my edits finished late last night (which was the deadline date). Its hard to look at my own work objectively. I feel exposed and a bit raw. There are several stages to go before we get to the most frightening... marketing. I don't really write books to sell them. I write them to get a message across. I am very concerned about the grief we all carry. There is too much happening too fast and on a global scale. Our minds, our hearts can NOT keep up. I wrote a story about the loss of a loved one but the message I want to communicate is more about giving permission to feel grief and to take the time to walk it through. Life depends on feeling out sorrows. I remember the line in a song that asked, "Can there be joy where there has been no sorrow?"

They have done studies on pain and happiness. Did you know that the most miserable nations in the world and the ones that are the most painless? The people in modern nations that can use medications for pain and insurance to counter losses say most often that they are not happy where as people in nations with much suffering and deep poverty often say that they are. I believe there is a connection between suffering and true joy.

If we demand a painless existence, if we race through life without pausing to feel and grieve we will miss the comfort God offers to those who mourn.