I have more than one friend that is house bound right now. Health and circumstance has left them inside, watching the seasons pass outside their window. I believe it is a holy time, a time of waiting. I'm thinking of Isaiah 40:31,
"But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
I found in my own time where I watched the seasons pass outside my window that my own "waiting on the LORD" implied that I have gotten ahead of Him... again. When I was knocked flat and couldn't go anymore, God was right there. When I slowed down, it was like I entered into the place of His presence. It was awesome! I experienced the truth of Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." Being still is a lost art practiced solely by those who watch the seasons pass outside their window. Illness and infirmity are a holy opportunity to really know Him.
Don't get me wrong, chronic illness is a trial, a war against a foe that sometimes takes you and sometimes lets you scramble back into the rat race. But in the midst of the battle may we never forget that our foe has no winning option. Either outcome is our victory. Either we live to fight another day... or we go home victorious to finally rest from the battle.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wonder
I wonder where my wonder went. It sort of got lost in my busyness, or maybe it's just tired. I have 14 new baby chicks and one very overwhelmed mama hen who is trying to raise them all. It's a good thing hens don't nurse! They are so soft and cute and funny. But more than that they are wonder-full. The woods, the little babbling brook, they are wonderful. There is so much to see. There is so much to hear. There is so much wonder in wonderful things. Please help me to open my eyes and look.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Redeeming a Child
Right in the middle of my children's growing up years. I became very ill. Among other things I suffered from brain trauma. I lost the ability to walk, drive a car or even think clearly. There was a time when I couldn't even recognize my children much less minister to their needs. For more than 6 months I was not able to be "the parent" for them. Their lives were permanently altered.
In those 6 months I made mistakes, big mistakes, like turning on the gas cook stove but forgetting to light it. It became a challenge to do the simplest things. In the process my children gave up their childhood and offered care for me. I scrambled to regain what I had lost and God miraculously intervened but for my children something was lost forever. They lost that carefree sense that life is safe and your parents are a rock that you can always rely on. Each of my children managed that loss differently but they all suffered loss.
My children's story may be unique in content but not in result. When a child suffers they too come to realize their own mortality. Then they have a choice to either grow wise or simply to become "older". In either case the carefree child is lost in the process. But I believe there is a pathway back to their childhood. There is a way for them to put down the worries they picked up and run free again. It's through grieving.
It's hard to bear the grief of a child. It is so real and full of an agony many of us have long ago refused to feel. Many adults are afraid of a child's grief. We are tempted to say, "It's ok, don't cry." But it's not ok and crying is the best medicine for a grieving soul. Jesus says, "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." And it is true those who mourn will heal and know comfort, a comfort much greater than two parents can give.
So as a parent how can we help? I have a very simple but complicated answer, model grieving. If you want your children to grieve well, grieve. It's like those oxygen masks on airplanes. We pass out if we don't have enough oxygen. That is why they say, "First secure you own mask before assisting others." You, as the adult must be willing to swim in the sea of sorrow in order to be of any good. It is the pathway to your own healing and it is the biggest gift you can give your children.
My children lost their mother....at least for a time, but at the same time I lost my children too. I lost my chance to mother them. I lost that carefree look in their eyes, I lost precious time with them and for small children 6 months is filled with many changes.
To tell you the truth, I didn't grieve my losses well. I got tough instead. I wanted to be strong for my children but they needed me to be soft.
In those 6 months I made mistakes, big mistakes, like turning on the gas cook stove but forgetting to light it. It became a challenge to do the simplest things. In the process my children gave up their childhood and offered care for me. I scrambled to regain what I had lost and God miraculously intervened but for my children something was lost forever. They lost that carefree sense that life is safe and your parents are a rock that you can always rely on. Each of my children managed that loss differently but they all suffered loss.
My children's story may be unique in content but not in result. When a child suffers they too come to realize their own mortality. Then they have a choice to either grow wise or simply to become "older". In either case the carefree child is lost in the process. But I believe there is a pathway back to their childhood. There is a way for them to put down the worries they picked up and run free again. It's through grieving.
It's hard to bear the grief of a child. It is so real and full of an agony many of us have long ago refused to feel. Many adults are afraid of a child's grief. We are tempted to say, "It's ok, don't cry." But it's not ok and crying is the best medicine for a grieving soul. Jesus says, "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." And it is true those who mourn will heal and know comfort, a comfort much greater than two parents can give.
So as a parent how can we help? I have a very simple but complicated answer, model grieving. If you want your children to grieve well, grieve. It's like those oxygen masks on airplanes. We pass out if we don't have enough oxygen. That is why they say, "First secure you own mask before assisting others." You, as the adult must be willing to swim in the sea of sorrow in order to be of any good. It is the pathway to your own healing and it is the biggest gift you can give your children.
My children lost their mother....at least for a time, but at the same time I lost my children too. I lost my chance to mother them. I lost that carefree look in their eyes, I lost precious time with them and for small children 6 months is filled with many changes.
To tell you the truth, I didn't grieve my losses well. I got tough instead. I wanted to be strong for my children but they needed me to be soft.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Processing and time
It takes time to process the stuff that happens in my life and who has the time? Sometimes I think feelings get in the way of "progress". But what are feeling for? Why do we have emotions? Are they just in the way? Or is there a profound need for them?
I am a very passionate person. I feel everything deeply. It is exhausting sometimes. But if we are becoming like Jesus does that include the fact that He was full of passion? Did I start out a passionate person or am I becoming passionate as I become like Jesus? Jesus wept (John 11:35). He flipped over tables and drove people out of the temple with a whip (John 2:15) Jesus was moved with compassion (Matthew 9:36). What is the difference between passion and love? Not sexual passion or love but Agape love the sacrificial love, and passion the deep inner groanings of the spirit?
I have long ago stopped fighting my feelings. I once was so wounded that I felt nothing for anyone. I had no compassion. That's a horrible place to be. I'm not saying that I let my feelings run my life. What is the difference between feelings and passions? Have we let evil passions frighten us away from Godly passions? Are we supposed to deaden our passions or enliven them?
Many questions in my heart today. Do you have any thoughts?
I am a very passionate person. I feel everything deeply. It is exhausting sometimes. But if we are becoming like Jesus does that include the fact that He was full of passion? Did I start out a passionate person or am I becoming passionate as I become like Jesus? Jesus wept (John 11:35). He flipped over tables and drove people out of the temple with a whip (John 2:15) Jesus was moved with compassion (Matthew 9:36). What is the difference between passion and love? Not sexual passion or love but Agape love the sacrificial love, and passion the deep inner groanings of the spirit?
I have long ago stopped fighting my feelings. I once was so wounded that I felt nothing for anyone. I had no compassion. That's a horrible place to be. I'm not saying that I let my feelings run my life. What is the difference between feelings and passions? Have we let evil passions frighten us away from Godly passions? Are we supposed to deaden our passions or enliven them?
Many questions in my heart today. Do you have any thoughts?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
His Wings and Flighty Chickens
Psalms 57:1 says, "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me!For my soul trusts in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, Until these calamities have passed by."
I get a picture in my head when I read this passage. I think of my chickens. Chickens are flighty little creatures that run away from most everything unless they are raising chicks. Then, look out, mama hens are vicious! They will tear into anything that threatens their chicks. When the chicks are alarmed mama hen will lift her wings ever so slightly, fluff out to a much bigger appearance and call her chicks to her. Chicks scurry from all sides and scramble under wing for comfort and safety.
Sometimes there is so much clamor that I get lost. Sometimes the chaos is too much for me. Those are often the days I don't cry out to the LORD or seek His face. Why is that? Why, when I am most desperate for comfort, do I shy away? (Listening) Well, the obvious reason is trust. When my world is gets shaken, I get frightened. In the flurry, I forget that God is on my side. I lose trust in everything. Some chicks are like that. They get so frightened and disoriented that they just sort of cry and run in a million directions. Did you know that mama hens raise their voices? When their chicks are flustered they make a ruckus of cackling noises. Perhaps they are trying to be heard above the panic. Hmmm Does God do the same? (Listening)
I don't hear much but I feel almost a hunger to "make my refuge " in the shadow of His wings. As I think about it, I am tired of running around frightened and disoriented. I'm tired of being confused and confounded. I long for the rest that He offers. Good grief, why does it take me so long to get here?
I get a picture in my head when I read this passage. I think of my chickens. Chickens are flighty little creatures that run away from most everything unless they are raising chicks. Then, look out, mama hens are vicious! They will tear into anything that threatens their chicks. When the chicks are alarmed mama hen will lift her wings ever so slightly, fluff out to a much bigger appearance and call her chicks to her. Chicks scurry from all sides and scramble under wing for comfort and safety.
Sometimes there is so much clamor that I get lost. Sometimes the chaos is too much for me. Those are often the days I don't cry out to the LORD or seek His face. Why is that? Why, when I am most desperate for comfort, do I shy away? (Listening) Well, the obvious reason is trust. When my world is gets shaken, I get frightened. In the flurry, I forget that God is on my side. I lose trust in everything. Some chicks are like that. They get so frightened and disoriented that they just sort of cry and run in a million directions. Did you know that mama hens raise their voices? When their chicks are flustered they make a ruckus of cackling noises. Perhaps they are trying to be heard above the panic. Hmmm Does God do the same? (Listening)
I don't hear much but I feel almost a hunger to "make my refuge " in the shadow of His wings. As I think about it, I am tired of running around frightened and disoriented. I'm tired of being confused and confounded. I long for the rest that He offers. Good grief, why does it take me so long to get here?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Bouys and Adorable Muddy Children
There are a few people in my life that have been incredibly faithful. These are people that I truly believe care about me. I matter to them, not just for what I can do for them but because they like me. That is amazing to me. I know it is rare. They are buoys for me. They keep me afloat when I am drowning but they also pull back when I am out of order. I am safe because they will tell me the truth, believe the best, confront the destructive, and at the same time refrain from judgment.
Buoys are markers in the harbor that warn you of rocks and dangerous obstacles that lurk underneath the water's surface. Buoys are very important especially when we navigate grief and pain. But buoys are rare. I'm thinking of the book by Joyce Landorf Healtherly "Balcony people". Or the song, "Rainy Day People" by Gordan Lightfoot. The tough part is you have to be one first. You can not "make" someone be a buoy for you.
We are so full of defenses. I'm thinking of the many times I have shot my own horse so to speak. I have been like a wounded cat scratching the daylights out of anyone that came near to help. I have also been violated by those who want to fix me instead of delight in me just the way I am. I see God sometimes pulling me out of the mud pit I am floundering in and just chuckling to Himself. He thinks I look cute all muddied up, even though He has great compassion for my pain. He delights in me no matter my circumstance. I can see it partly because I have done the same for my own sons. Face it, muddy children are just flat out adorable!
As we come near to Christ, we become like Him. We see the adorable in people and become buoys at the same time that we need them.
Buoys are markers in the harbor that warn you of rocks and dangerous obstacles that lurk underneath the water's surface. Buoys are very important especially when we navigate grief and pain. But buoys are rare. I'm thinking of the book by Joyce Landorf Healtherly "Balcony people". Or the song, "Rainy Day People" by Gordan Lightfoot. The tough part is you have to be one first. You can not "make" someone be a buoy for you.
We are so full of defenses. I'm thinking of the many times I have shot my own horse so to speak. I have been like a wounded cat scratching the daylights out of anyone that came near to help. I have also been violated by those who want to fix me instead of delight in me just the way I am. I see God sometimes pulling me out of the mud pit I am floundering in and just chuckling to Himself. He thinks I look cute all muddied up, even though He has great compassion for my pain. He delights in me no matter my circumstance. I can see it partly because I have done the same for my own sons. Face it, muddy children are just flat out adorable!
As we come near to Christ, we become like Him. We see the adorable in people and become buoys at the same time that we need them.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Garden pests
Something is after my beet greens with a vengeance! For now it is an unseen enemy but it must be some furry creature because the stalks are chewed down to almost nothing. What do you do when the bunnies attack in the night? It's hard to fight an unseen enemy. They take ground when your not on guard. Satan is like that, just nibbling away at the good stuff when your not looking. God what about that? (listening) Wow, the picture I have is of taking refuge when I am too weary to be watchful. Like Psalms 91:4, "He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler." Interesting I didn't know the rest of that verse where it says "His truth shall be your shield." That for me is so true. The thing that keeps the enemy from getting a foothold in me is knowing the truth.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Shock
Change is a constant. There is no stopping it. All change causes grief and grief takes time. The thing is, change is becoming so rapid there isn't time to grieve one change before the next one hits. There are days for me when I am more than exhausted. The bombardment is too much for me. Sometimes I get lost in the confusion. I can't think in a line. I start to do something and get distracted only to get distracted again. I drown in a swirl of too much to think about.
I heard someone else describe the same struggle and wondered if I am in shock. Are we all in shock? Is the level of grieve related to change so high now that we can't cope? Many people my age are using drugs to cope.
There was a book written years ago called "Future Shock". It warned of the effects of rapid change. The author believed there was a point at which the speed of change would overtake our ability to cope. I'm amazed at how accurate that book was. The question is what can we do? (listening) Hmmm what I hear is "rest". That makes a lot of sense. The more our lives are changing the less we get rest. Rest almost feels wrong. God what about that? The sense I have is that satan makes life feels like death and death like life. Rest is the path to life so in the world it feels wrong. Hmmm, well, I'm off to rest and see if it clears out the cobwebs.
I heard someone else describe the same struggle and wondered if I am in shock. Are we all in shock? Is the level of grieve related to change so high now that we can't cope? Many people my age are using drugs to cope.
There was a book written years ago called "Future Shock". It warned of the effects of rapid change. The author believed there was a point at which the speed of change would overtake our ability to cope. I'm amazed at how accurate that book was. The question is what can we do? (listening) Hmmm what I hear is "rest". That makes a lot of sense. The more our lives are changing the less we get rest. Rest almost feels wrong. God what about that? The sense I have is that satan makes life feels like death and death like life. Rest is the path to life so in the world it feels wrong. Hmmm, well, I'm off to rest and see if it clears out the cobwebs.
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